Decoding Girlfriend Speak.

For centuries men have muttered under their breath about not understanding the female species. One wrong word and she’s going off like a pork chop in the sunshine. If only each woman came with an instructional manual right? KASANOVA’s guide to decoding Girlfriend Speak will provide you with the necessary tools to translating what she says into what she really means.

1. “Do I look fat in this?”

There is only one correct answer to this question. It’s always, “You look gorgeous, darling.” Do not outwardly cringe, hesitate or ask if you still have to hold her hand in public. If she doubts your sincerity, it will mean a complete outfit change which can be extremely time-consuming if you’re on a tight schedule. Even if she begs you to be honest and her bum looks like two sacks of squabbling wombats, tell her you love her just the way she is.

2. "Fine"

“It’s not fine”. Fine is used to mean a number of things from “I am pissed off,” to “You’re an idiot and I’m just wasting my breath talking to you”. It is often used to end an argument because she’s a) bored or b) just wants you to shut up because Grey’s Anatomy is on in five minutes.



3. “Five more minutes”

If she’s referring to the time in which she will be ready to leave the house; you can guarantee this will be more like half an hour. It’s an evolutionary trait you can’t challenge it, just embrace it.


4. “Nothing”

This always means there is something is causing her a great deal of concern, but for the sake of not ruining the moment she will keep it festering for a while. Alternatively she’s in one of those moods where you have to play 50 questions to find out what’s wrong. As a general rule, nothing almost always means something.
Stay on your toes, and remember that arguments which begin with “nothing” are guaranteed to end in “fine”.




5. “Go out and enjoy yourself, I was planning on having a quiet one tonight”

What she really means is “I really don’t feel like going out, and I figured out I can’t stop you. Text me three times tonight telling me you miss me and make it up to me tomorrow. God I am so good to you”. Text her once.

6. “I don’t want to have sex tonight”

While fine and nothing actually mean the opposite, No means NO!!! when it comes to getting jiggy. Don’t sulk, stay proud and go hide in your man cave for a while, she WILL follow eventually!


7. “I don’t feel like having sex tonight”

This is not actually an outright no. Providing she just has to lie there she may be able to be enticed with a bubble bath, a massage and kisses on her inner thighs. What are you waiting for? Get to work!



8. “Whatever”

These are fighting words. She means. F#$%@ you! Take cover and try not to provoke her.



9. “Go Ahead”

This is not a dare and if you want to keep your goolies, it’s advisable to put yourself in “Time out”. Definitely don’t do it unless she had it coming and you want to piss her off.



10. “You look hot in that shirt”

Either you’re less scruffy than normal or the colour makes you easier on the eye. It’s a compliment and she is genuinely encouraging you to bring your sexy back... Quite often, the shirt will have been a present from her so she’s also complimenting herself on her exquisite taste. Thank her, wash the shirt and wear it on your next date.


11. “Don’t worry about it, I’ll do it myself”

Obviously she’s asked you several times to do something around the house, whether it is to put out the garbage or pick up your sweaty socks off the lounge room floor. Don’t worry translates as “You’re a lazy &@#$$!” Refrain from asking her “What’s wrong” as this will lead to her saying “Nothing”, “Go Ahead” and “Whatever”


12. “We need...”

Translation: I want.
Listen carefully and get it for her when you piss her off.


And just like that you have the basics to decoding what your girlfriend really means. We hope you found the article useful, if you didn’t then, fine, whatever, it’s nothing, don’t worry about it!

~ Leigh-Anne Wadley