The Ultimate PMS Survival

Do you know why they call it PMS? Mad Cow's Disease was already taken.

Chuckle all you like, but it's not so humorous when your seemingly lovely and somewhat normal partner morphs into a she-bitch from the depths of hell.

One minute she's screeching like a hyena on heat because she nearly drowned due to some inconsiderate butt muncher leaving the toilet seat up. The next, she's shedding buckets of tears in Days of Our Lives, Phillip has been shot. You feel like nothing you say or do is right and moving to deepest, darkest Oyotunji to lay low until the holocaust has been downgraded to Category one would be the best thing for both of you. This is the worse thing you can do.

Don't even suggest giving her space, unless you'd like your manly bits roasted on an open fire. Luckily for you, we have compiled everything you need to know and probably didn't want to know about PMS, unlike most men would have you believe, does not stand for Putting up with Men's Shit, Permissible Man Slaughter or Prehistoric Monster Syndrome. It's short for Pre-Menstrual Syndrome and refers to the two week period prior to the arrival of Cousin Red (also known as surfing the crimson wave, having Aunty Flow visit, the rags, Period and that time of the month).

There over 150 symptoms which can vary from woman to woman, even month to month and include: Migraines, bloating like a balloon, uncontrollable bouts of crying, irritability, mood swings, abdominal cramping and depression. Some women (about 5% of the population) suffer from a severe form of PMS known as PMDD – Pre Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder, which can even lead to suicide or homicide if left untreated. There are reported cases where PMS has been used as a defence to get murderers acquitted on grounds of temporary insanity or reduced to the lesser charge of manslaughter.

So it's crucial you learn how to handle the situation with extreme caution, least you want to be Lorena Bobbitised.

Learn to count.

Most women operate on a 28 day cycle. Make sure you note it down in your diary. A dead giveaway is when she starts asking questions where any answer will be the wrong one. – Do my ankles look fat to you? Do you think I need a boob job? Would you still love me if I had no arms? What about if I had no arms and no legs and was deaf?

Speak no evil.

PMS is not the time to blurt out you've had a gutful of little baubles of tissue all over your clothes because she didn't check all the pockets before doing the laundry. It's also not the time to warn her if she doesn't start making more of an effort around the house you'll trade her in for a Russian Bride. Under no circumstance, resort to criticism; no matter how constructive. Wait for the eye of the storm. You have an opening of about 13 days deemed ‘safe' after she's finished ‘the curse' to bring these items to her attention.

Soothe the Monster within.

Be on stand by with over the counter anti-inflammatory medication like Ibuprofen, a hot water bottles, spare cotton pony supplies and lots of tea, and sympathy. Offering to give her a massage and then run her a hot bubble bath will score you extra gold stars.

Embrace speaking Chickistani.

If you are fluent in speaking Chickistani you will know that Leave me alone in fact translates to I am desperate for a cuddle and attention, chocolates, a shoulder massage or all three.

Hide the Alcohol

Hiding a hip-flask might help you survive the week or two the painters are in, but for your partner, it can increase symptoms of depression.

Become the Pantry Police.

She might not thank you for it, but emptying the pantry of coffee and chocolate can help ease symptoms of tender boobs and irritability. Encourage her to avoid salt as this will aid in reducing fluid retention and bloating.

Get Excited about Exercise.

Aerobic exercise, 30 minutes 4 to 6 times a week will help lessen the symptoms of PMS. Instead of yelling from your recliner that she needs to work out, join her. Take the dog for a walk, play squash or go swimming.

And also get SEXcited… Take a trip to your local adult shop. Its rumoured vibrators can help ease cramps and and most likely to be gagging for it. If you're on rations due to not adhering to the above list, at least she can go it alone.

With a little attention to detail you can turn go from Packing My Suitcases to Pretty Much Satisfied.

- Leigh-Anne Wadley